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Let's fool ourselves this April (3)

Monday, April 16, 2018

/ by Adamawa Celebrities
As you read this write-up, you should not forget in a hurry that we're still in the month of April. And do you know what that means? The spirit of April Fool is still lingering on the minds of many, I inclusive.

That reminded me of what happened in my compound just before the Easter holidays. A primary school pupil came back home weeping bitterly. This is what happened on that day. His teacher entered his class and said. “If you know you are stupid, stand up.” The whole class sat quietly and latter a boy stood up. The teacher then asked, “So you are the stupid boy?” The boy answered, “No! I just don't want you to be the only stupid person standing”.

If this boy did not come back home crying, won't you be surprised? When he told me what happened, I outrightly blamed him for his honesty. You know why? Nigerians don't like honest people.

My people, I've observed that these days we've been overworking ourselves, Recently in Yolde-Pete, an Okada man worked till 11:50pm in the night. On getting home, he decided to take a bath. Suddenly, he ran out naked shouting “Ghost…Ghost.”

Since the inhabitants of the community know that I'm a journalist, they begged me to ask him whether he actually saw a Ghost. I met him that very night and narrating his story, the Okada man said that he poured water on his head about 5 times and the water was not touching his head. As I looked up. I discovered that the idiot did not remove his helmet before having his bath.

As I was dressing up for work, a married man visited me. From his face, I knew that he was in big trouble. He told me, “Isuwa, my wife went to the market to buy some things and left my 4 months old baby to the 19 years old house help. The little baby started crying, the house girl had done everything to make him stop  crying, but the boy kept crying, so the girl now brought out her breasts to breast feed the baby, and immediately the breast entered his mouth, he stopped crying.

“As my child was sucking the breast, I entered and saw it. I was so angry and afraid that he could contact diseases from there. I shouted at the girl, but she told me that nothing was coming out from the breast. I didn’t believe her, she  then asked  me to taste it and I decided to suck the breast to confirm. As I was sucking her breast, my wife came in. Upon all my explanation, she refused to believe me. Please Isuwa, help me talk to her, please help me tell her that it was an innocent sucking”.

As if that was not enough, a young lady came to me later in the evening crying bitterly. I asked her what the problem was and she responded, “Just three days ago, it was my boy  friend’s birthday I then decided to give him my bodyas a gift. Now he's thrown me out”. I looked at her very well and innocently said, “My birthday is tomorrow, I also need the gift”.

A man fell into a well and was screaming for help. His wife came with a rope  to help. Down inside the well, the man looked at the rope and said, “How much did you buy this rope?” The wife said N1,500. “What!” the man shouted inside the well, “Return it to the seller now and immediately, and go to Mama Ada's shop down the street. Her own is N300. Hurry up before I die here”.

Well, can you guess where this man was from? Saliha Marafa was quick to say that he was an Igbo man. While I partially agree with her, where do you think he is from?

A primary 2 pupil brought an assignment for me to help in the name of Home Work. The first question was; what the name of Animals that eat plants? I answered; Herbivores. The second question; what is the name of Animals that eat meat? I wrote the answer; Carnivores. The third question, what is the name of Animals that eat both meet and plants? I answered; Omnivores. It was the fourth question that I was not able to answer. A snake that swallowed N36 million is called what? Please reader, we need your help here.

The other day as I was coming to the office, I found a piece of paper on the ground and read. After I read, I saw the need to share it with my readers, especially the ladies.

“When a woman rejects a man of vision and accept a man with television, she will end up watching the man of vision on her own husband’s television. Don't judge a man by his pocket but judge him by his vision”.

Do you know that people we thought like us are actually our enemies? The lawyer hopes you get into trouble, doctor hopes you fall sick, the police hopes you become a criminal, the teacher hopes you are dull and the coffin maker wants you deed. Only the thief wishes you prosperity in life so that he can have his share. Please hug the next thief by your side. He is your only true friend.

Just yesterday, a friend of mine knocked at my door in tears, “Isuwa, you know my girl friend Ramatu. On the 1st April she told me  she is pregnant. I have been waiting for her to say April fool and up to today, she her not said that”. I looked at him politely and said, “Congratulations”.

Last Sunday in the church I attended, the Secretary stood up for announcement, “Attendance in church last Sunday. Human beings 85, Bible 27, Phone charger 507, Rechargeable lamps 212, Rechargeable Torch 176 and Power Banks 132.

Of course, you don't need to be reminded that April 1st is named Fool's Day. After Steve April was born on 1st April all his 1579, he did 105 businesses in his lifetime. He lost  father's assets, and so everyone started calling him father of all fools.

At 19, he married a 61-year-old woman who divorced him after a year because of his foolishness. He used to believe every kinds of fake stories like you are doing right now on this column since the start of the month of April. But don't worry nor hurry, let's meet again next week.
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